Beautifully Conflicted

I just finished transferring my podcast from a video podcast to an audio podcast, with video remaining available on YouTube.

A couple of weeks ago, I happened to check my stats on AWS where I host my podcast files. I was shocked to see a pending monthly bill in the thousands…

Expecting a budget of around $50—which is a stretch to my current budget for podcasting—i was quickly motivated to act.

As I was doing the manual labor (copy, paste, save, upload, repeat), I listened to one of the older podcasts with my brother, The Healer.

In our conversation the phrase “beautifully conflicted… came up. It hits home…

There are so many sides and opinions to matters; we all are vying to be heard—and have our will manifest… often with the result being… conflict. It’s not what we thought we were heading for; it’s not what we wanted. Yet— here we are, right smack in the middle of it.

Healing conflict is important to me; healing the conflict within me is a constant enterprise of mine.

Beautifully Conflicted resonates with forgiveness and healing. It acknowledges what is, while allowing for improvement and healing.

One step at a time.

The dead, dead grass of home

today is a good day… because i’ve remained pretty productive though the shadows of monsters unhealed peak easily through at the slightest glance within on my part.

so; i conclude one may persevere though things aren’t all in place — not all is healed…

it is not perfect


i awoke to quite a good story of chaos playing out in my consciousness this morning

after a bit of meditating, some mantra & prayer

…i’m up and beginning my day

new day

which has many blessings to it

working out with friends and Spirited coaches.

it is time for me to quit meandering around the endless canyons and dark spaces of who i am: it is endless

it is time for productivity

as a close friend once told me; shut the f*5k up and get back to work

For Myself

This post is a rebranding… It moves me from blogging/posting – sporadically at best – for the unknown “others”, to writing for myself.

In the past, I kept a concern for friends, family, potential employers… I am my gatekeeper, editing for my imagined scenarios.

But now, as I listen to podcast commentary on Fight Club and Joker… I find; I want to write.

And I want to release me from the confines I created… the intent being, I’ll be more productive if I remove “purpose” to please my imagined audience.

There is an audience; I’m just giving one of the best seats to me.

So – will i challenge my mediocrity and start actualizing some of the things I think about?


I sure f**kin’ hope so… otherwise – what am I doing here?

drudgery, pain, and woe

this morning… an hour and a half disappeared so quickly. I lie back down in bed for a quick moment’s respite — and BAM! — it is 7:30am and I am behind in my schedule.

I have been witnessing of late the disparity between my vision for myself and the reality of my choices.

Could the energy of depression be bolstered by my inaction with my positive imaginings of right action? I am experiencing the dead weight of depression. It is an energy felt in my gut; a weight that bears down on any light i might hold.

this is not the manner in which I wish to live — thus, i see it as a challenge.

faith born of knowledge that i can take flight and rise with a joie de vivre in each living moment…

to live from the infinite place of LIFE; ever lasting.

habits – new & old

Today, I begin a new action to form a new habit in my life; my personal blog posting.

Blogs:  a personal form of communication, like an online diary, usually public. Are diaries meant for other eyes a form of narcissism? Is an auto-biography a form of narcissism?

And – is one’s personal story an educational tool? I find them to be so for me… so if an individual didn’t embark on the action of telling their story – there may be for me a longer time to learn some lessons.

AND; today I am still muddling over a lesson to be learned.

The lesson is miscommunication – and forgiveness when such instances occur.

And I’m left with this question; are there instances and times when lying is justified and truly is the best given choice?

Every little step